undah pressah.

that’s actually supposed to be ‘under pressure’. looooove david bowie! and queen. but david bowie was on spongebob once, so he has the edge on Freddie Mercury.

anyways, hay hay hayyyy.
hope your work week is off to a great start.

i think i should tell you about my last couple days.

i had one of my many mini-breakdowns on Sunday, and made it last a full 24 hours. it was the worst one yet.

During these mini-breakdowns, i :

. don’t care about health or fitness at all.
. don’t care about anything.
. am a nasty *#@! to my beyond tolerant boyfriend, and always say very, very mean things.
. don’t get off the couch.
. don’t laugh or smile, and crush any positive thought that has the balls to occur in my head.

All i can think about is how many times i’ve tried to be healthy and lose weight, and how it’s never gotten me anywhere, so why try anymore?

This kind of thinking led me to eat two small bowls of homemade peanut butter chocolate ice cream and a brownie before bed.
Then i couldn’t sleep because my stomach was turning and my heart was working so hard to burn off the unexpected sugar and calories.
My heart was going so fast, and it scared the hell out of me.

i think the reason i’m eating like i’ll never have a treat again is because of the pressure i recently put on myself to lose weight.

Right after i signed up for aerial dance, i was ecstatic, and then terrified.
i thought, ‘i’m a solid 15 pounds heavier than when i was dancing, how on earth are my muscles going to be able to hold me up now?’ and set up a crash diet plan.
which in my case means catastrophe, and a lot of sugar in my body.

i pulled myself out of my lovely feel-nothing-do-nothing mindset, and realized what i had done wrong.
the best way to fix my overeating instinct is to take the pressure off of myself.

instead of panicking and trying to crash diet 10 pounds off in 2 weeks, don’t worry about it.

make better choices, and work out to prepare my muscles the best i can, but go easy on myself. don’t starve, don’t eliminate any foods. i don’t need to lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks.
i’m strong and fit! my muscles will adapt and grow to support the extra weight. it’s going to take some time, but that’s totally okay.

relieved siiiigh.

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