the struggle part II.

My ultimate goal of one day having a body that is healthy and totally appreciated (by me) is a hard one to achieve.
Once in a while, i will fall off the wagon completely lose motivation.

Here’s how it goes.
1) i treat myself.
2) i feel overwhemingly guilty and fat and like i don’t deserve anything good in life.
3) i’ll convince myself that none of the good choices I’m making matter and that i’ll always be fat anyway so why bother.. Yadayadayadayada.
4) i’ll usually stop exercising and stop eating for a couple days until i come around again.

All because i had a third slice of pizza instead of the 2 that i’m ‘allowed’.
It’s awful, selfish, disordered, frustrating, negative and counterproductive, and i want to stop more than anything.

It’s black & white thinking again.
To my brain, one treat = end of my life. In reality, one treat = 200 extra calories that will probably be burned off by the time i go to bed that night, and will definitely not derail all my progress.
My habits are good, all that’s really screwing me over is my mindset.

i think i can make these episodes a little less devastating by building up self-esteem.
my boyfriend jordan is totally fabulous and supportive, he constantly tells me i’m gorgeous and he loves me and the way i look, but my self-esteem is so low there are times when it either goes right over my head or the Negative Nancy in my brain goes ‘he’s lying. he’s just using you.’ which is of course, not true.
Horrible, right? But the point is, please don’t try to pin my poopy self image on him.

i’m not ok with being so insecure and self-conscious all the time, so it’s time to accept my body.

even if i never lose another pound in my life.

i might even have children and get older and gain a few pounds.

and i’m still going to love my body.

i’ll still be eating whole and clean foods that make me feel good, i’ll run and lift weights to give my energy somewhere to go, and i’ll learn to treat myself without wanting to starve myself for days afterwards.

i think maybe life has just been too crazy lately, and it’s not helping my stress level, which probably effects my self image.
so i’m going to just relax for awhile, focus on body acceptance and clean eating, working out when i can and when i want to. Which means i’m putting my time-intensive 10K training plan on the backburner. For now. i still have two months to decide if i’m ready to race.

Here are some good tips for accepting your body and raising self esteem:

1. Stop comparing. There will always be someone with more or less than you, take what you have and work it like Tyra.

2. Stop fat talking. This will be incredibly hard for me, but if i can cut down on it, i’ll already be doing a lot better.

3. Make a list of accomplishments and things my body can do. It’s a pretty amazing machine, and the sooner that thought sticks in my brain, the sooner i’ll start treating my body the way it deserves.

4. Remind myself of all my good qualities. And then remember that even though i had a few cookies for dessert last night and i feel super bloated, i still have all those qualities. Food doesn’t change me.

5. Don’t work out to lose weight. There are way better reasons to work out.
Keep my body moving so i’ll be healthy as a horse when i’m 96 years old. Run to feel accomplished and energetic and healthy, lift weights to remind myself that i am strong and confident. Do yoga to relax, stretch and make my brain calm down.

6. Do nice things for others AND myself. i am a huge people pleaser and will go all out for others, but rarely myself.
Treat myself and a friend to a massage (i’m cheap, so that means pay 20 dollars for a student masseuse at the Massage College Clinic), buy a dress i’ve been swooning over but won’t touch because it ‘won’t look good on me’, do my nails, bake something for no good reason (always makes me happy), try a long and complicated dinner recipe, buy a book and read it in a day.. It’s okay to be good to yourself!

7. Think positive and be realistic. Instead of seeing love handles and super muscly arms, see gorgeous womanly curves and strength. Know that i work out regularly and i eat healthy foods that nourish my bod, i take care of myself. even if i don’t look exactly the way i want to, i am NOT fat.

8. Choose to be happy.
Oh, you better believe it’s a choice.

Hmmm. i think that’s it for now.

i feel like i got a lot off my chest and i feel a bit better now.

i am truly sorry to anyone who actually read this novel/post.

toodles! 🙂

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2 Responses to the struggle part II.

  1. Susan says:

    I didn’t truly learn to love my body until I started weight lifting. After losing 30 lbs, I thought I still looked exactly the same, just with a slightly smaller outline. But weight lifting allowed me to change my body composition, and now it looks waaaay different. Sure, there will always be a few areas that give me trouble, but it doesn’t take away how proud I am of my muscular arms and legs!! 🙂

    • jaymealreadyexists says:

      that’s awesome 🙂 it’s so inspiring when i hear stories from women who are totally comfortable with their bods.
      i really like weight lifting and strengthwork too, it makes me feel empowered and you know.. strong.. haha. i just feel like i need to do it more often.
      thanks for the comment. 🙂

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